FSOG TRILOGY - THE REVIEW YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR

In 2009 on fanfiction.net, I read chapters of a Twilight Fan fiction called Master of the Universe, which is now known as Fifty Shades of Grey.

As one of the original people to read the book I have been asked to review it. As usual I will be honest, sometimes funny, and throw in some pictures to make things pretty. Remember this is just an opinion and written as I go along, so some parts may seem like a duplication of effort but that means I love them that much I had to highlight it again, or they annoyed me more than once. 

I agreed to do this because we came across countless negative reviews that were basically putting this trilogy under the microscope and tearing it apart. I can do that... but in a less shitty way. 

This review is the good, the bad and the ugly, but in my mind if you don't like a book move onto another. Don't sit around writing war and (very little) peace about it. Unless you have been asked to do it as a reviewer, like me. 

Here is my war and peace review. My method for reviewing is easy, my bum engages the sofa and I read. I stop for a bit to type my thoughts with regards to what I've just read... more often than not it is when I think WTF or WOW. I will try to compress everything into one bloggy mass rant or praise of the series. 

As requested I will make up a playlist of songs that I think a reader could listen to whilst reading this series or reflect back on. I have received a lot of playlist suggestions from other readers who are helping with this review so you are getting a varied playlist that you will have you carpet dancing and singing your face off. 

This review covers all three books in one... so have wee, get a drink and snacks before you start... and feed any pets, children and overly dependant partners.

Love or Hate?

Some people hate FSOG with a conviction. One friend drowned her copy in a pond after a few glasses off wine... wait, no, it was her mothers copy and they drown it together. She had already read MOTU and ‘wasn’t going to waste money or time reading it again’. Her mother purchased it, even after her daughter said it was ‘poo’, and after a reading a few chapters ‘lost the will to live so got drunk instead and drowned it’.

Another of her friends couldn’t read past the first few chapters as she hated the writing style, the duplication etc so she marched straight to the charity shop to hand them in... bit extreme but hey! 

The problem is, the book wasn't what they were expecting and as such, they are still in a huff now. My late teens/early twenties nieces just couldn’t get into it despite the hype. Friends who are English Majors wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole, and several called it a diabolical. The story is as famous for being badly written as it is for being Twilight BDSM Porn. If anyone mentions FSOG to those who didn't like it, they scowl worse than Christian with a twitchy palm.

Of course there were those who loved it and begged for more smut books. My 72 year old mother, her sister, her next door neighbour, the grandmother... all loved it. They will give their opinion here with me. I have condensed them all but feel free to leave your own in the comments. 

At it stands I am on the fence with this book to the point I have splinters in my arse. I love that an amateur writer of fan fiction got a break. I love that adult material got the attention is deserves. Plus it is an English writer, like myself, who was just sat at home with a glass of wine and a laptop a few years ago enjoying a bit of escapism by making stuff up and is now a household name.

I don’t like that people are making personal comments about her and her private life. She wrote a fictional book. She has never professed to be a literary genius or an expert on BDSM and business acumen. She is not a socialite, a professor, a Mrs Robinson, or an Ana... she is a married mother of teenage boys, who lives and works in London. Yes she worked in TV but it was not that high profile. She made stuff up for fun and people started to read it. A book is like a remote control, if you don’t like it stop reading and find something else. Simple as that.

Any comments I make in this review about the author are in relation to writing, not ELJames as a person.

So lets get to it... 

Why do women want to read about BDSM?

I think women feel safe reading it behind the sheets of paper in a book so they don’t have people pointing and saying pervert! That was the genius behind the FSOG book cover with the tie. It looks like a boring and masculine book. It is not pink with sparkles, so it gives others the illusion you are reading about something intellectual as opposed to Ana getting her bum smacked. However that didn’t last long as FSOG is now so well know people give you the ‘oh yeah’ look when you are spotted with it and some men even flex their sweaty palms in case you are up for a game of pat-a-cake on your bum cheeks.  

Luckily most women don’t give a toss now, they hold it high and say ‘I own a butt plug, flogger and riding crop’, like it gets them into a fraternity. 

People aren’t coming out at a weekend any more as they are staying in with toys they ordered online to spice up their love life. If they're single their next potential shag has to have several Christian Grey qualities. There is a baby boom, and this series has been noted as helping get us out of a recession. This Christmas I bet most of us have a least one of the toys used in this series on the naughty list we gave to our own private Santa. Ho Ho Ho!

Who reads this sort of book?

Along with an audience of bored housewives or teens reading the naughty bits. You have... 

The secret squirrels: People who mouth ‘Have you read Fifty Shade of Grey?’ whilst looking around shifty eyed, as though they will get clapped in irons and thrown in jail for admitting to reading such filth. It’s hilarious. Most have it on their Kindle so you can't see the cover. 

The Borrowers: People who won't dare buy it but will borrow your copy. (and never return it as they have notes in the margin)

Fifty shades of Granny: Those who were around for the previous kinky books like ‘Lady Chatterley’s lover and Tess of the D’Urbervilles. I saw an old lady on the bus reading it and gave her a knowing smile. She gave me a smile not unlike the one below.

My dad got it for my mum (ok he ordered it online as he wouldn’t go in the shop but still...) She then sat discussing it with her 23 year old granddaughter one Sunday having a good giggle about it and flipping to the 'good bits'. 

A couple of months later, my mum can’t remember the sex bits but she loved the story. She lent it to her next neighbour, discussed it at length over the garden fence, chats about it on the phone with friends and relatives. My auntie in Ireland now has her pensioner group reading it. Some are panicking they will pop their clogs before they get to finish it. It has brought some of them back to life and created some ‘golden years’ romances... yes that's right Christian Grey in his 80's. It is like Cocoon but in real life!

So regardless of what I eventually make of the book from a personal point of view, it will always have a place in my heart as the first series my mum ever read. It allowed her to escape into an imaginary world when she was going through a very difficult time. She keeps asking when the next one is coming out. I say it’s not and purchase her some new books but she is still suffering a book hangover from this series and hasn’t started them yet.

BDSM... time to spice up that sex bucket list.

I had the joy of reading and researching BDSM for some of my own work, I had read erotica and other stories and it piqued my interest. I had to research it in order to know what the hell some things were and I am grateful for it as it improved my love life. Some of my best giggling, sexy, naughty, 'oh my god did I just do that', or 'can we try that again?' moments came from research.

Those of us who have performed in the ‘bedroom Olympics’ remember that ache the morning after. The hangover from getting drunk, as we all feel braver after a glass of wine or two, and then think ‘fuck yeah,’ (Pounce!) That is followed by the slightly awkward morning after ‘walk of shame’, no matter how long you have been lovers... facing each other in the morning after a night of ‘limit breeching’ results in five seconds of embarrassment followed by 'we'll do that again' or 'never again’. Sometimes you scratch it off the list as ‘tried’ but promise never mention it again. All good fun and will brighten your memories as an old fart in a rocking chair.  

Girls need to do these things not just for the orgasmic joy but because whether you are on a hen night or Ann Summers party around a mates house you get asked ‘What’s the kinkiest thing you have ever done?’ or ‘Where is most adventurous place you’ve ever had sex?’.... you need to have a good answer. Sort of keeping up with the neighbours. Initially I never had an answer to these things... now I keep quite as I know I've won. I don’t need a vibrator as a prize. My prize it at home tied to the bed... haha. 

I once came back from an Ann Summers party beaming from ear to drunken ear, holding aloft a certificate I won for ‘Best Blowjob’. ‘What did you do to prove that?’ the boyfriend asked in confusion. ‘I blew up a balloon the fastest’ I replied cracking up at how relieved his expression was. ‘I won these too,’ I held out Blow Job pills (tic-tacs in a tablet shaped bottle). His eyes filled with promise as I took a couple. He dove on the bed. ‘Close your eyes,’ I whispered. He did, but peeped when I used the red plastic handcuffs I brought, so I took out a blindfold from the bedroom draw. (Cheap ones from flight abroad) As he lay there, I snuck out my prize for being the quickest to get a candle tied to a piece of string into a wine bottle opening... a chrome vibrator! Buzzzzz! You have never seen a blindfolded man dive off the bed and put his arse the wall so fast... he even broke the handcuffs. 

However, now guys are up for it as they don't want to be 'out fucked' by a fictional character. Ann Summers games and toys are freakier now, and they are having BDSM lessons on spanking, flogging and nipple clamps. All due to this book, ‘spice up your fuck book’ I like to call it. The recipe for great weekend sex... as we are all too tired mid week.

It's much better than Vanilla sex all the time. Vanilla Sex means ‘lie on your back, legs akimbo and think of Britain’. A girl would rather her fella smile knowingly at her in front of his mates when they tease him about his sex life, than be known as a frigid bitch who only lets him have a bit once a week or even once a month... with the lights off. She wants to be his best shag ever! To be fair you always think the one you are with is ‘the best one yet’... yes that is right, your ex thinks their new partner is better than you (ridiculous right) but who cares you have found someone better than him. You are only as good as your last orgasm!

Mommy Porn

I recently had a male friend ask me if I think people 'get off' to my work (he was reading it at the time). I asked 'Is this your way of telling me you were wanking whilst reading my work?' His reply, 'I'm not saying anything, and you didn't answer my question’. To which I replied 'I have wrote scenes that have inspired readers. It's only after that fact that they inform me and I think ‘wow I never thought people would get their freak on to my stories'. He seemed sated as he never replied... that or he was having a 'post wank nap'.

For the record it is always the ones you least expect who are the kinkiest and when people spice up their love life or experiment it always turns to some aspects of ‘soft BDSM.’ Just look at what people get each other for Valentine or what they aspire to be in a new relationship, they want to be a 'freak in the bed'. 

When people split up and get a new partner they want the ex to know that their new sex life puts the old one to shame. There is no thread bare, six year old boxers or the ladies wearing their 'period pants'. They are in Calvin Klien or Ann Summers Basques. The first thing a girl will do in a new relationship is clear out her knicker drawer and always have sexy undies on. She wants him to think she wore them when he was lusting after her, not the over washed Tesco’s value belly warmers that she was actually wearing. 

Christian V Edward

For the record I loved the kinky Edward Cullen in MOTU, now known as Christian Grey. I always found him easily forgotten as Twilight Edward and replaced in my mind with just another scruffy haired ginger Dom. I never pictured Robert Pattinson as either Edward from the Twilight books or Edward from MOTU.  I just found the thought of him trying to be dominant hilarious. Rob's dominant face in movies have been more ‘Urgh who farted?’ than ‘I have twitchy palm’. Reportedly Rob has didn't have any desire to play Christian Grey in the movie, but he is still is who ELJames wrote about. She just changed the names. 

He looks hot here though. 

This is what Christian is suppose to look like based on artist impression... no wonder we never catch criminals, the pictures are always so shit. 

First Impressions

Initially I can tell you that the first few chapters are a bit different to what remember reading back on Fanfiction.net, whilst it has the same end result you can easily forget Edward Cullen and replace him with Christian. That is until Christian is described as 'Rusty red hair with bright grey eyes'. Yep GINGER! Edward was described the same in Twilight 'bronze tousled hair with golden amber eyes', it is a reminder of the link to Twilight as this book and it characters are reincarnations of Edward and Bell, via fan fiction. 

Red head with grey eyes... hmmm weird 

Do red heads have grey eyes? I've seen blue, green, brown but never grey... wait what about Simon woods? He has potential as a Christian. Ok follow me ladies... lets go drool.

Simon Woods, is a red haired hottie that will make you think... hmm he is a bit of alright. The more you see him the more you think... hmm not bad. I am more a tall, dark and handsome type girl, but he is just my cup of ginger tea. I discovered Simon whilst watching the series ROME. He was playing a young and fucked up Caesar, rich, powerful, commanding, had sex with his sister (ewwww) and was in an arranged marriage where he fucks his wife ‘hard’ and likes to be slapped or choked whilst he does it... see Christian all over! (And close to the artist impression!)

The sex scenes in Rome make you think 'wow, angry fucking... hmmm nice'...  and based on the physical description of Christian Grey this is as close as I can find to him actor wise. I know everyone wants Matt Bomer or that Damon Vampire dude but I am looking at who naturally meets the criteria, could bang the arse off a co-star without blue steeling to the camera, and be menacing to the point of phwoar. Here we have it.

This is a clip of one sex scene he performed in 'Rome' (18+ cert). You have to say it has a red room of pain feel about it and he has a lovely bum. Plus my fellow reviewers now all agree he is a good choice. 

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xfgpsa_alice-henley-sex-scene_sexy?search_algo=2

So having watched that clip I bet you are thinking 'hmm I like him'. 

I mean it's abut time people started admitted Christian is a ginger guy, albeit one who says things likes 'I want to bury myself in you'. Seriously if a guy ever said that to me pre-shag, it would ruin the moment so much that he would have to cane me to stop me laughing my ass off.

So I nominate Simon as Ginger.... I mean Grey and my mates agree.

Bella V Ana

Ana is clumsy much the same as Bella Swan in the Twilight and still described the same. She dresses like a tramp and has no idea of her own beauty.

Start dropping into the story line how every guy she comes into contact with her, fancies her but she is blind to it, in other words too thick to notice. I mean she is supposed to be clever but doesn’t notice the guys pocket rocket the minute she stands near them. Does she think it is a mobile phone, a banana... a bracelet in a gift box? She is not that innocent as a 21year old English Major believe me! I could spot a hard on at fifty paces when I was young teen. Mainly because teen boys were struggling with their impulses at that age and it was funny to see a semi appear in biology or gym classes. 

Ana has a friend who is super keen on her. He’s described as Spanish I think. However, his description matches Jacob from Twilight, even down to their fathers being best mates. She knows he's hot but she doesn't want to play with his willy, or any other guy who comes drooling e.g. Paul, Ethan, boss at work... as she is too busy being a book worm to be interested in any man's jiggly bits. (Well until Christian and his palm come a twitching) 

Ana works in the local shop, where as Bella worked in the local store. Edward... I mean Christian turns up and has her all flustered, tripping over her own feet and wondering ‘is he here to see me?’ I know he is... she should know he is... he has people to go to the store for him.  She wonders if he is doing some DIY...  he has people to do that for him, he is loaded, why else would he be in the store she works in?

He is purchasing cable ties, masking tape, rope etc. I am thinking ‘Kidnapping’ but I remember it's FSOG so change my thought process to ‘Way hey! Kinky Bastard!’ and start wishing the book would hurry up and get freaky! 

In the back of my mind I am still in CSI mode and fear for her safety.

Several chapters on...

My imagination is kinkier than this book. It is like a horror film where you keep waiting for something to happen but it never does. I find that I have developed a habit of biting my lip whilst reading, as she does it so often. Hopefully it will wear off when finished. (It did!)

Since the store incident, she has been deflowered by Christian where he basically says ‘oh my god you’re a virgin! I can’t believe I have to take your virginity... this is not acceptable, I can't tear you a new one if the first hasn't even been opened yet. You should have told me you were frigid. Very well hop onto the bed and bring your knees to your chest whilst I get this out of the way... it really is most inconvenient,' (OK, I am paraphrasing but that was the jist of it. WTF! Worse virginity losing scene I have read in a long time.)

She has also been treated like a baby and had her arse smacked in the most humiliating way. 

I wanted to reach inside the book and slap her myself, to knock some sense into her. If some bloke regardless of how gorgeous he was, or how big his dick, threatened to spank me, and it was not a kinky slap on the arse but an actual 'good hiding' for not doing as I was told, I would either laugh hysterically at the fact he thought he could manage it, or I'd be furious and threaten to rip his twitchy palm off and slap him with it.

It's fair to say FSOG makes you realise you are either a Dom or a Sub.

I am 'Me', with a flash of Dom that will have vengeance if you dare try to subdue me. Although I am not adverse to hair pulling, biting and submitting for a shag-athon or two... but who is?

Oh my... roll eye... slap me... till I cry

Having carried on reading I find Ana says 'oh my' more than George Takei. It makes me roll my eyes in frustration and sigh as it spoils the book. I realise I am doing it too, as she rolls her eyes all the time, and gets a bum slapping for it like a petulant child. I want to pull Christian aside like a bully in the school playground and say ‘stop smacking people or I will send a letter home to your parents, now go and say sorry.’

Her inner goddess is fifty shades of creepy

It just ruins a scene to imagine this weird 'imp' calling her a Ho and talking her into letting Christian beat seven shades of purple out her bum cheeks. Given that she is described as skinny, I doubt she has that much bum to smack.

Questionable Intelligence

I find her unbelievable as an English Major, especially one without a laptop or email address in the 20th Century. I most certainly don't find her credible as an editor for a publishing house regardless of whose dick she’s sucking.

Ode to Twilight

I have mentioned several of these already, and of course my previous post that highlights several more, but I don't understand why it is set in the US when the author is English. I assume it is because it's Twilight fan fiction so set where they lived, as Seattle was the nearest big city in Twilight. 

If you are going to change the characters names, you may as well change where they live and set it somewhere you as a author know. London would have been great. The reason I say that is there were a lot of things that just didn’t gel for me as a reader e.g. switching between English and Americanisms. I got lost in the Geography of names and places. I know some readers who are American are pointing out the glaring errors in some of the storyline 'Americanisms' and locations due to being written by a non-native. Even as a Brit myself I can spot some of them. 

Ana has a shit car and Christian replaces it, again this is very Twilight Bella, as she had a crap truck and Edward replaced it. FSOG alludes to her being able to ride motor bikes with Jose, again this is a Bella and Jacob as he fixed the motor bikes she got for scrap.

Kate, Ana’s friend is obviously the Rosalie character of the Twilight book and hooks up with Elliott who is the Emmett character in Twlight.... for the record his 'Yo, laters,' are awful. He is the Jock in most fan fiction so it was refreshing for him to be an architect in this.

Oooo say something sexy... no that wasn’t sexy... try again

I didn't interpret one thing Christian said to Ana in the entire series as sexy. It was either creepy, perverted, out of line, threatening, demented or childish... Sexy? No!

‘You are making my palm twitch’.... urgh! Too much wanking and spanking can give you RSI Christian and lead to twitches ;)

‘Laters babe,’.... fuck off! You sound like a nob at the best of times and a company CEO trying to be 'down with it' is wrong even if you are in your 20's. 

Where is the BDSM?

Ana’s kinky, shackled and riding crop scene was a bit... hmmm is that it? I thought he was going to torture her. I mean people are burning these books, they are shouting ‘Women's rights' from the trees, I was expecting more!

Ana submits to another scene in the red room, but gets scared. She thinks she had a near miss because of his temper and is terrified of what he might do to her. 

Really? That was a near miss? It makes you want to brag that you have done far worse without a red room of pain and a whole lot of rice wine in your system on date night.  I wanted to drag her up from kneeling like a geisha and tell her to grow some balls as he obviously hasn't.

There was nothing he did to her that made me think ‘WTF that is sick’... or ‘OMG poor girl’. I thought ‘stand up for yourself you twat’... ‘Stop letting your pussy do the talking and let your legs do the walking, turn that red ass around and let him watch it leave’.

I checked out the sex scenes with my fellow reviewers and asked for opinions. All were flicking through the book and trying to find the scenes where it gets into real BDSM as opposed to spanking, tying up, blink fold, nipple clamps, vibrator, butt plug.... they are not strictly BDSM. They are a beginner guide to BDSM. More ITIO ‘I’ll try it once’. (copyright to me) If you want real BDSM you won’t find it here. If you want soft BDSM which will spice up your vanilla love life... then yeah.

Editing

The book was so badly edited that I had to look back at the publishers name and think ‘what the hell happened?’ The sentence structure was appalling, the lay out, the chapter breaks... I wanted to edit it so badly my OCD was twitching more than Christians palm. 

Whoever the copy editor was ... fire them or send them on a training course.

There were so many times where it became confusing as to whose was talking, where we were, the timeline etc. It needed editing, fleshing out to put some meat on the bones of a good story. Character development was sadly lacking in several areas, but as I said before ELJames has never professed to be an ‘error free’ writer. We all make mistakes and it is often said 'you can never edit your own work', but this edition is worse than some of the drafts I’m holding back from publishers for fear of being published in a shit state by a lazy editor.

I hope they get it sorted and a new edition gets released with a cleaner edit. I mean it will make money so why not? You can’t leave it in that state... can you?

More annoying bits

I started to find it strange that her flat mate didn't notice the immense change in her. I have friends who are subs and I noticed it straight-away. I found myself relieved when her friend finally started to question her new persona.

Other things that started to grate on me was the thesaurus swallowing, where words had to be highlighted so you knew what they meant, most of the time it was posh words for sexual references. It took me out of the story and into a dictionary. Unnecessary flowery prose. Here are some examples:

“My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head. Where was she when I needed her?”

 “My heart is in my mouth as I reread his epistle and I huddle in the spare bed practically hugging my Mac.”

I wondered if anyone else was annoyed by it and I found this at the top of the google search, there were many more!

http://www.vulture.com/2012/05/50-worst-synonyms-in-fifty-shades-of-grey.html

I mean Ana accuses Christian via email of gymnastic linguistics and rummaging through a thesaurus. Pot, Kettle, Black, Erika James!

Christians stalker tendencies

He buys her a laptop so he can email her. A blackberry so he can get her on the move. A car as hers is common.  He follows her to her mothers over 3000 miles away. He books the seat next to her on the plane so no one can sit in it, and possibly speak to her, because she refused to fly on his private jet. She has known him a couple of weeks!

He is fruit the loop and she is all 'oh Christian I know he is wrong and obsessive, but I love him'... oh fuck off that is not reasonable behaviour, where is your self respect woman! Where is his respect for you? Two minutes ago you were shitting yourself when he joked about transporting you in a cage via the cargo hold. (she thought he would actually do it). 

His constant 'you are mine' etc drove me mad.I wanted Ana to say... 'Yeah maybe while we were fucking but after that I'm my own woman, now back of ginger whinger!'

Marmite

That is what I like about this book, it is Marmite, you either love it or you hate it. I enjoyed it but wanted to strangle her and think he is a dick. I didn’t enjoying the editing and felt it let the book down immensely. I don't blame the author, I blame the publishing team who should have been on point with it, but as an author I would never have allowed my work to go to print like that either.

Bits that made me go 'huh?' 

Christian has the quickest erections known to man. She just has to kiss him and he is humping her leg like an over amorous dog.

They have the quickest orgasms ever! What is the point of all that lead up when she is saying ‘oooooo’ two mins in and he is jack hammering her in a frenzy, whilst saying ‘Mine’.... it reminds me of a baby with a toy ‘mine’ or Gollum and his ‘precious’. Christian is such a quick shag I could time boiling an egg by him.

She states her period is due next week, he arranges for a doctor to give her the pill 'at great expense'. Really she couldn't do this herself? She goes from saying her period is due next week (after he asks her - nosey fucker) to travelling to her mothers. He stalks her there... she ends up in his hotel room.

'Are you bleeding?' he asks.

'How does he know?' she wonders, because he is a nosey git who could probably tell you how many times your heart has beat in the past minute.

‘How many days have you been bleeding?'

'Two'

'Good' he removes her tampon, drops it in the loo and has sex with her whilst she is on her period, then bathes her.

Period sex in the bath... yes we’ve all probably done it, especially wives of service men who don’t get the chance to say when she has ‘the decorators in’ but that is not my ‘huh’ moment.

My womanly mind is confused. How long ago did she leave his house? She was not on her period. How long was the flight to her mothers? Again no mention of being on her period? How long had she been at her mothers? Right... forget it just read... ignore the period maths... you are turning into Christian Grey. Read.... she is in bed with him, more period sex... no blooded sheets the next morning, no sperm and lady juices intermingled with blood dribbling down her leg and all over the hotel bed... it's a miracle. As is her ability to avoid getting cystitis. Don't worry I tell myself, brush it aside... does she have any tampax in her bag?... stop... just read. This is not your vagina... don't panic... just read!

I decide to drink more wine... I have been playing a game where if I got annoyed I take a gulp and move on... I am already one bottle down and onto the next. Thank you local shop for 3 for £10. I’ll need it!

They go gliding, wonderful... the next day she arrives at his house. He savages her as she comes through the door

'Are you still bleeding?'

'No, I finished yesterday'

WHAT! The quickest period know to woman. I am totally confused and fight the urge to go back and check my period math. He only had sex with her yesterday when she was ‘on the blob’.  He went home, as his ex submissive had broke into his apartment and slit her wrist in front of the cook, (as you do... WTF). I bet he didn't say 'good' that she was bleeding!

More wine...

Don’t even get me started on how the ex got past all his security and opened his safe. Control freak apparently keeps his safe number written down... no way... it contains pictures of his ex subs bowing to his ‘Dom-ness’ whilst hanging from the ceiling like a piñatas. Noooo this can’t be true! He wouldn’t be such a twat to write it down, let alone have her walking around the house.

Ana doesn’t mention that she thought she saw a women at the end her bed when she wakes in the middle of the night, knowing full well they are searching for a mad woman in the apartment. WTF! You know there is a nut job on the loose and wake to see a woman at the end of your bed whilst your super depressive dom is off impersonating the phantom opera on his piano... but you don't scream or cry out. You just brush it aside and wander about the apartment in the dark. 

Right, move on and stop wishing for an edit button.... grab wine and gulp till the feeling subsides. 

Christian the 'speed of light erectionist', has taken to biting his tongue between his teeth and cocking his head. Picture a wonky head, tip of tongue between teeth and ginger just fucked hair... not attractive is it? 

This combined with Ana's lip chewing and eye rolling meant that I had an image of lip and tongue porn burned into my brain along with Animal from the Muppets threatening to angrily shag Ana with a toy from his nursery.... I mean dungeon... I mean Red room of shame... I mean... oh fuck it!

I also realise this book has not set my knickers all of a quiver once. It was better as Twilight Fanfiction... this edit or lack there of has lost it's essence. I just don't find Christian attractive. I want to but I don't. I hope the film is better. 

Sulks into glass of wine...

The sex texts and dirty emails

All are typed, sent and received at an impossible rate. I tried with a mate... most couldn’t be typed at that speed. Let alone receive, read, compose a reply and send. Especially if you are using a twatberry... I mean blackberry. Surely Christian would be an iphone user, who would abuse Siri all day. Plus who the hell changes the subject title of the email all the time and their signature. >:O( 

Borrow means you return it

Ana wears her mates clothes! That plum bloody dress was worn so many times I wanted to lend her something of mine. She even wore it with boots. No wonder her mate never asked for it back as she had wore a fucking hole in it!

Yes, no, Yes, no....oh oh oh

I find Ana confusing, she doesn't want Christian to get slap happy and then she offering her ass up for a beating like it is rump steak that needs tenderising. She doesn't want him being a kinky son of a bitch, yet she keeps asking when he is taking her back to the red room of pain. She even plays a game of pool, where if she wins 'he takes her back to the red room' WTF? 

She sees that as a reward. Ok, who spiked her drink? If she loses he can shag her on the pool table... HARD! Make up your mind bitch!

Plus the author couldn’t just write she has a chin burn from shagging on a pool table, she has to use the posh term for the green felt that covers it. Chin burn will do! When my mate stayed in for a fortnight as she had rough sex on a shag pile we didn’t say ‘You have an axminster mark on your face’.... it was a carpet burn.

I am starting to feel Ana is more fucked up than Christian, and I'm still astounded that the Guinness book of record hasn't popped around to present them with an award for setting a new world record in erection/orgasm speeds. That goes along side the apparent arse slapping, steel ball wearing, hard fucking that never results in cystitis and hair pulling that never gives her neck ache, whip lash, knots or split ends. Impossible!

Talking of hair... I need more wine to tell you this next bit!

It's all going on down under

Ana has a hairy hoo har, yep no squeaky clean, bald as a coot, v-jay-jay for her. She all jumanji down there and he likes it!

He tugs at it with his teeth and says 'I think we'll keep this'... urgh creepy pube chewer. Her bul-a-bul-a-bush is so thick he can see her 'pubic hair' through her silk night gown... in the dark. It's must be like a brillo pad!

Now come on, she is 21 and I for one don't believe that she never fiddled with her own lettuce especially when she is a Tess of the D’Urbervilles fan. She doesn't own a vibrator either and with a flat mate like Kate, there is no way she is going around with half the Amazon rain forest between her legs.

Girls go the gym, swimming etc where bikini lines are a complete ‘no, no’. Even when she has a make over with Kate where she shaves her arms and legs to perfection, she gets Kate to check them and has help with what to wear. We are supposed to believe her mate misses that she is more 'bear' than 'bare' down there. What did she start off as before she got the razor out... Bigfoots little sister? Did she look like she had a monkey under her arm? Maybe Kate was keeping her flat mate hairy so she can get her drunk; strip her naked in the woods and film her hung-over the next morning groaning as she is traipsing through the woods trying to find her way out... classic yeti footage and worth a fortune.

If one of your mates looked like they had a bearded chin as a crotch you would gasp. Even a few stray hairs that look like there is spider trapped in her knicker line would make you scream... Let alone if it was full 70’s hippy, Debbie Does Dallas ensemble, there would be an intervention. You would say 'what the fuck is that? I thought you had a fraggle in your knickers for a minute.' You would get the hedge trimmer out and at the very least create a landing strip! I mean the poor boy could get lost in there and even Rambo wouldn't be able to rescue him. There is a difference between having a well tended 'Ladies garden' that needs pruning and having a welcome mat he could wipe his chin on... I mean feet on.

He has pubes too and it didn't match the perfectionist Grey is portrayed to be. There is no way he would walk around with ferngully in his pants when he insists that his subs are waxed like a surf board. I pictured a trimmed or shave ball bag ready for tea bagging Ana, a well polished and bleached bum hole in need of rimming. A willy that resembles a babies arm holding an apple... but instead I got an uncooked sausage dumped in a bush. An autumn bush of ginger pubes!

Finally in book three Ana shaves 'down there', her 'apex between my thighs' as a surprise for him, but she does a shit job. He looks shocked and pulls at the tuffs of missed hair asking 'what the hell have you done?' No girl is going to shave her mimsy and do a shit job, she would be bending herself into all sorts of cirque-du-soleil positions to check. Cue the embarrassing scene where he fetches a bowl of water and a razor to finish the job and shave her properly.

Now did she do his ginger pubes to save her coughing like a cat with a furball on the next blowie... no! Sometime later in the book, she is giving him a hand job, which starts with teasing him by pulling his pubes. 'Happy trail' she calls his line of hair disappearing into his jeans 'that hang in just that way'. I hate his ripped jeans. Come out of the 80’s Christian you are too old to be in a boy band!

70’s pubes and 80’s jeans.... I’m not happy! Pass the mind bleach aka wine!

The scent of a woman

Christian seems to have a hair smelling fetish, as he is always nuzzling her hair. He has only known her a few weeks and already he has brought stuff from the hardware store she works in so he can tie her up and fuck her senseless. He has sent her some first edition books that cost £14,000 a piece. He tracked her phone when she calls him drunk to ask why he brought them. He turns up at the bar 20 minutes later where Ana is feebly attempting to tell Jose to stop nibbling her neck.... Here he comes to save the day....Stalkerhero Grey to the rescue. Da, da, da, da, da, da!

She then pukes in a bush at the sight of him... yep stalkers can have that effect on people. If only he'd have known she was a virgin, he might have held back and let Jose have a go on her, it would have saved us all from the awful virginity scene. 

I don’t know how or why but she wakes up the next morning in his hotel room, half naked and still a virgin. To be fair he probably saw her hairy bits hanging out her knickers and slept in the bath for fear of her changing under the light of the full moon and teaching him what real pain feels like.

Buying your affections/ making you dependant on him

From then on he buys her a car for graduation, a laptop, a blackberry and upgrades her tickets to first class to see her mum. She suspects he had brought the seat next to her to prevent her speaking to anyone. WTF!  He is pissed off that she had a massage in first class... it is ok, she quashes that fear by saying it was a 'gay-sage' (gay man gives massage). Christians masculinity is intact... good save Ana! What a tosser!

Girly strop - EPIC FAIL

She finally has enough of all his shit and decides to tell him... but again she doesn't. He shags her into forgetting she is angry with him. Make up sex is the best... erm no...that is not make up sex... it called dating a manipulative bastard!

He tops off his bastardness with a ‘marry me’! In my opinion no proposal made on the grounds of a break up should be accepted.

I get to the chapter where Ana has insisted on seeing his Shrink before accepting his proposal. (Over the top but hey so is the proposal I mean she has known him how long.... a few weeks). She is waffling away to the shrink, and her inner goddess pops up again and I find myself wishing she would tell the doc about her weird imp and have a 'inner goddess-oscopy' (cut the bitch out). I was relieved in book three that the subconscious and inner goddess both seemed to take a sabbatical as they were too annoying, it was like a cartoon character popping up on her shoulder in a sex scene, a bit like Roger rabbit.

I'm onto the third book and I still find Christians 'Oh Ana' and hair sniffing annoying as fuck. I want it to be sexy but it just isn't. His panty sniffing and finger sucking of her juices is just... overshare. It is blatantly the author trying shock tactics. 

Ana's ability to fuck him in the car without getting cramp is amazing, having dated someone with that same car I can tell you it is a bit of a contortionist moment and can result in toe, calf, thigh and neck cramp, plus he never wants to get the car dirty and absolutely no feet on the dashboard.

Her ability to walk out of the car without sperm dribbling down her legs is a mystery to me. Plus sex in a car means you fall out of it like a puppet in a box. There are many instances where they have a bit of 'kinky fuckery' (stupid name by the way), and Ana again is Jizz free. In one bit of bedroom Olympics he has just had his way with her after arguing, again, like 12 yr olds. They lie there, she is miffed that she didn't cum, (note this book uses 'come' not ‘cum’), any way there she is, full of his love goo and throwing a huff as she didn't get the knee trembler she wanted. He pulls her to the end of the bed and has a munch on her kebab to sort her out.

Now I know there is the odd scene where he kisses her after a blowie, or she wanks him a bit and rubs a drop of pre-cum (she called it dew) off his bell end (she calls it his tip), she licks her finger ‘mmmm’ and he asks if it tastes good, she shares the finger... Ok reality check here. Firstly, a guy will avoid his own sperm like it is snake venom. There is no way he will say 'share that drop of my nob juice with me darling'. Plus he would never chomp on your lettuce if it is covered in his self-made mayonnaise.

I did a poll of my friends of all sexes and sexuality. I covered all bases. The resounding answer was 'fuck no', no one would contemplate a soggy lettuce as a post coital snack, no matter how much she whinged, and no bloke regardless of his sexuality wanted to taste his own sperm and say ‘mmm’. Plus he is the Dom, he is supposed to deny her orgasms. He has forgotten this role. He is a pussy!

Slap happy

Christian's over possessiveness, his threats of twitchy palm or 'I want to hurt you’, ‘I want to punish you’, ‘I want to beat the living shit out of you' (Again paraphrasing) is pathetic.

Erm hello, here's a whole bucket of fuck off for you Mr.Grey. I don't care how rich, big a dicked, great in bed and gorgeous he is... suffocating, threatening and plain old arsehole, means he would be dumped in a millisecond.

Finding out he has 15 other subs that look just like you, and he brought them the same car as you etc is bad enough. To find out you 'all' look like his crack whore mother... (OMG!), which is why he likes to cane you (WTF!)... that is not a healthy relationship. That is living in ‘Fucked-ups-ville’. Pack up your mates burgundy dress and move out.

Whilst I like the scene where he fell to his knees and became ‘sub-Christian’ under the threat of her leaving, I would have preferred it if she had left.  That way we could have had a ‘will she or won't she’ make up with him scene. Not this bullshit, let them be apart for about a week. I mean properly ‘leave him’ and get your life back whilst he get manically depressed and realises he loves you and doesn't want to beat your ass, as he is too busy kissing it. Instead the only break up we had was a week which was skipped over so quick I didn't feel she missed him at all. She got back with him because she needed a lift to her mates art show and he owns a helicopter... get counselling, you are a fucked up as he is.

Ana and Mrs Robinson

This relationship was so underwritten, I would have preferred it a bit more hands on and embellished the story line. Go Dynasty with it! Cat fight in pool!

Personally, I would not be able to contend with a Mrs Robinson in my love life; she would have more than a lemon martini thrown at her, namely my fist down her throat!

The initial meeting where Ana exits the salon as it is owned by Mrs Robinson and Christian... yup business partners. He used to let her play with his prepubescent willy and beat him up, while she took money from her then husband and gave it to Christian as hush money.  He doesn't see it as that but I do. 

Then there is the masked ball where the bitch corners Ana and after dropping in the convo that she has given her approval for Ana to date him. In other words 'fuck up and I'll tell him to dump you,' she warns Ana if she hurts him she will hurt her and it won't be pleasant. For a moment I think Ana still has the steel balls in as she grows a pair and tells her to fuck off. 

There are times she turns up at the apartment unannounced. She sends Ana messages and emails trying to get her alone to discuss Christian. Ana does the right thing and tells him. It all goes tits up when they get engaged and they announce it at his parents. Mrs Robinson is furious and gets Ana alone. She ends up in an argument with her and Christian, only to be overheard by his mother who slaps her best friend Mrs Robinson around the face. Good! How dare you fuck your friends adopted son and turn him into your sub... you kiddie fiddling bitch! Throw her in jail. 

Doppleganger mommy submissives

I wouldn't be able to accept that Christian was surrounding himself with Robert Palmer dancers as Subs either. (Guys who date the same looking girls are creepy just look at Simon Cowell)

I would have been pissed off beyond belief if I found out his ex's were all the same physically, and I was amongst them! Never mind the fact I was being stalked by one and she trashed my new car. Only to discover she knew it was mine because he brought the same for all of them. Oh and breaks into my apartment with a gun. There are so many reason in this one paragraph to dump his ass but she doesn't. 

When he arrives to find his ex in Ana's apartment he goes all Dom her ass with just one powerful glare and has her kneeling on the floor like a kid from the King and I. He has the balls to tells her to leave her own apartment, and go back to his. Fuck no! You go! And take the gun toting geisha with you.

Of course Ana leaves as he bathes and dressed the ex in Ana's clothes! Seriously, I would be in a full blown girly strop and he would never see me for dust.

WINE.... some one pass me the fucking wine >:O(

Make up sex

Every time Christian and Ana argue, they make up with sex; she doesn't deny him it ever!

All women know if he is being a complete and utter nob stretch, put him on rations. You deny him, tease him by looking awesome, go out after work for a few drinks with the girls without telling him. Facebook pics of yourself having a great time whilst guzzling a cocktail called ‘single and ready to mingle’ or ‘All men are bastards’. Follow that up with giggling down the phone with friends at the memory of the cocktail bar and throw in a random guys name like he’s your new bestie. (A new male friend terrifies boyfriends). Make yourself unavailable, make him feel grateful when you let him in the same room as you, let alone have a one word conversation where he asks if you are ok and you reply 'fine' and leave the room for a three hour bath.

If you can't live without sex raid his red room of pain, but lock the door, so he can hear you having fun but not join in. In other words his 'I am going to fuck you hard... this arse in mine... I will have this one day' becomes:

'No you ain't, I am.... Buuuuuzzzzzzz'... 'Oooh what's this?'.... 'Christian is this anal vibrator suppose to feel this good.... wow I can't believe it, it’s all bumpy and mmmm lube really does make it feel better.' Cue slapping sounds of you flogging yourself over the sound of him crying and begging you to let him in to play. You pretend you can't hear him as you are playing 'French Kiss' loud and proud. This is my playroom now...The Pink pleasure palace!

Christian is a contraDICKtion on every page

All in all I find Christina, I mean Christian a bit of a twat. He is an over bearing, ‘wanna be’ with a taste for pain. He is not really a sex addict he just a ‘billy no mates’ because he is a nob. On lonely weekends he brings in a real life blow up doll he can berate and belittle, as these mummy clones are contracted to get him hard. If he doesn't get his own way he throws his teddy out of his pram. For someone depicted as wanting to solve world hunger, invent a wind up mobile phone he can give away for free and 'just wants to look after you', he is a proper nobhead.  Ana calls him a stalker, tells him to get therapy etc. His therapist thinks he’s a dick. His family think he's a dick and I think he's a dick. 

Ding Dong bell... what the fucking hell!

They've only known each other three months and she's agreeing to marry him after he's tried to buy her affections with the same gifts he got the other subs, who look just like his dead mum! That is like going out with someone and buying the same engagement ring.  One of the ex’s went mental at her with a gun and got a bubble bath for it. (I think that was set up so Ana would move in to the prison... I mean apartment... under the guise of safety).

Christian tells Ana where to go and what to do, buys the place she is working for so he can keep an eye on her. Then fucks it up royally by taking her for a hair cut to his peado ex Dom (Mrs Robinson). He is also best friends with this kiddie fiddler and had once thought he was in love with her. His Dom.. sorry ex dom... groomed all his ex subs and was giving Christian advice on their relationship. How to treat Ana and how to be a Dom, as she had done this with all the others. Basically she was a silent dom, as she was still in control of his fucking but making him think he was. In reality Ana is the lower ranking sub for Mrs Robinson, as she has Christian under her thumb, and Ana is under his. 

Why on gods earth would she say yes to that fuckwits proposal after hearing all that? oh that’s right orgasms. She is happy to do anything for a go on his willy every night.  

No virgin, who is happy to be tucked up in bed with only her hairy muff to keep her warm, is going to be saying:

'Hey sure I'll let you spank me till I cry.’

‘Finger me in a lift full of people? Oh go on then but just this once.’

‘You want to dictate where I go and what I do? Ok, but only if you choke me with your dick later.’

‘Of course you can tell me to ‘eat up,’ like a child under the threat of no pudding, and give me a good paddling if I get down from the table without eating my peas.’

‘It’s ok, I know you treat me like shit because I look like your mummy, and all those other girls who you ruled before me.’  

Let alone say things like this:

‘I will just bit my lip over and over whilst you cock your head to the side, sniff my hair, bite your tongue, wear you 80’s jeans in ‘just that way’. Then we can argue at lightening speed over work email about our private sex life, even thought I signed a 'non disclosure' about it. I will ignore company email policy and use expletives and sexual content that will never get through IT filter without being summoned to HR for a disciplinary and possible dismissal'.

No CEO, which is what Christian is supposed to be, is going to be talking about shit like that on work email. She is supposed to be clever! Her boss who has been monitoring her emails now knows all her beeswax. She even fainted after her boss tried it on with her but only after she kicked him in the balls and run for the exit. She should have told him to stand back and stop looking down her top ages. One flick of his willy and he would have been disabled, as the ache in his balls grew at an alarming rate forcing him to his knees. She could have cleared her drawer, gone to HR and waited for the lift before his legs let him stand again. Instead she gets in a tussle and rushes downstairs to faint in front of Grey's car, sending him and his bodyguard in the building to act all manly. 

Storyline - boryline. 

Every time I want to find out more about the story line which has dragged on for three books, they argue again about stupid stuff and have make up sex which involves hair sniffing, hair braiding, hair pulling, chest hair, pubic hair, hair trails... its too hairy for my liking! At some point I thought Cousin IT was going to make an appearance, maybe starring as Ana’s pubic hair!

She is a grown woman who has been being carried several times without having so much as a twisted ankle, sits on his lap like a kid that got out of bed with a nightmare, and they cuddle all night long. For one, women are heavy that is why you are only carried over the threshold when you are married. It is over the threshold, drop her on the floor, pant like a dog and call the back quack to make an appointment, as you’ve slipped a disc thanks to old fashioned romance. Sitting on his knee, its ok for a while but goes dead pretty quick and your bum bone starts to ache so you both assume another position where blood can reach the extremities. 

Cuddling all night, everyone cuddles till they fall asleep then you have a quick kiss and turn over. Sometimes he cuddles you by spooning for a bit but in reality he is getting a face full of hair and dead arm. That is why the ‘kiss and roll’ was invented... even Ross in friends did a sketch about with Chandler. Ana waking up with Christian draped over her and complaining she is too hot. Welcome to a man’s world honey! Most guys aren’t cuddlers. You moan he is too stand offish and then when he cuddles up to you in a less dominant fashion you complain. I would hate to be the one to break it to her that he only does that as he is used to doing it with Mrs Robinson as her Sub.

Plus the whole sniffing of Christian whilst sat in his lap... his jeans hanging in just that way, drove me batty.

There was the annoying scene where she came out of the lift after arguing with him AGAIN on email, will she ever learn.  He had his ripped jeans on which he only uses in the red room so she knew she was going to be ‘punished’ and was scared.

I would have walked back into the lift and left the nob to intimidate someone else. On the way back down in the lift, I would plot dying those jeans bright pink, sewing patches on them of his dead mums picture which I found in his bedroom at his parents. Get Jose to paint a huge one on canvas with fifty shades of grey paint and hang it pride of place in the red room of pain, which of course I would paint Grey. Even photoshop his mothers head onto all those pictures of his old subs he keeps in his bedroom drawer. Maybe get her portrait embossed it into all his toys whilst leaving a nice note ‘Best invest in a new wank bank as this ass is gone, gepetto! Find someone else to hang from your ceiling.’ 

I would play Beyonce 'Run the world’ full blast, while dancing around in my undercrackers in front of the help and drinking all the expensive wine! I would then book myself into rehab for fucked up ex subs and share Christian hate stories with his other subs who were no doubt there and still in treatment. 

Overall

I like the story, I like the fact it can make you want to reach in the book and slap some sense into her, in a non Dom way. The fact he is a dick and doesn't make excuses for it. He's not your run of the mill romance type. You feel sorry for her as she is going to lose all her friends and only have him, because she hasn't got balls of steel (unless he slips them inside her to wear to a function).

This book will help you realise that you are either in a good relationship or a bad. It can make you look across the bed at Mr Average and think tonight I am going to give you a blowie. You appreciate the snoring average Joe for his 'none stalker tendencies'. The fact that he doesn't suffocate you makes you feel more cherished and respected so you jump his bones.

Or you could go the other way and buy him ripped jeans, a butt plug and a flogger with permission to call you Ana so long as he goes all Christian Grey on your ass.

You realise you are either capable of some kinky fuckery or not. My auntie said to my mum ‘John got off easy,’ when she read this book, (referring her husband). She is in her 70's it was hilarious. My dad brought the book for my mum, also in her 70's, and she asked what was the difference between a dildo and a vibrator and what are genital clamps. When I told Erika, she replied... well see below. 

Like I said the book is a fun read, its escapism. You will find out what your soft and hard limits are. Are you a Dom or Sub? It will also make you want to wish there was an edit feature so you could take out the repetitive bits, the Oh my's, lip nibbles, head cocking, eye rolling, Laters baby, Oh Ana, oh Christian etc and other bits that make you want to scream. Also the big words, means you have to highlight all the time so you know what the hell is going on, you feel like you are on the programme 'countdown' or doing a crossword... but the reason you don’t know them is because no one uses them!

Several times throughout I was waiting for it to get really dirty! It didn't. 

I was waiting for some bum loving... he put his little finger up her bum hole once, much later on in the next book he uses a small butt plug... what man do you know who would put a finger up her poo pipe and not go for the home goal. Plus his 'this will be mine, one day I am going to take you here' whilst looking at her rusty sheriffs badge, which in all reality given the state of her front bum, will have tumble weed around it...gross. That was not a turn on, it was WTF just shut it and shag it Christian! I would have started ball gagging him just for some peace and quiet. 

Was the sex realistic?

Christian fingers Ana in the lift, rubbing her, pumping her but no one in the lift hears her girly bits being slapped about like a wet fish and her moaning! Bullshit!

Then there is his spermless dick, well it is either that or she has a fanny like a hoover as every occasion they fuck, they go back to everyday life with no clean up and no sex smell. Erm... no, I don't think so. She would be walking to the bathroom John Wayne styley like every other girl, trying to get there before the sperm trail reaches her knee, it is a sort of post coital sport to us girls. Like the egg and spoon race but 'leg and sperm'.

I am not being mean, it is just the basics of sex and when a book is basically a lot of email arguing, sex, breakfast, sex, lunch, sex, eat your dinner, sex, argue, sex, snooze, sex, nightmare, sex... and little else you can at least get the not so pretty bits of sex right. Especially since you went so far as describing her sucking his fingers after he has turned all gynaecologist on her ass.

Also if he has got her cuffed from elbow to ankle like a Christmas turkey and is having at her like a bull in a china shop, I am betting my money on a fanny fart. You know that noise that trumpets out across the room but you both choose to ignore as its too embarrassing and will spoil the mood if either one of you laugh... but still not so much as a bottom burp! I mean face it a yoga class is full of them, some women in there are like fucking accordions, but no, not in the red room of pain. She is qeef-less.

Bits I liked.... but then went ‘argh’

I liked the whole convo in the bank where he thought she was leaving him because it showed emotion. His over reaction to the pregnancy was so over the top it was laughable. First having been on Depro injection myself there is no way she would catch so quick or that it would be so ineffective. Also the side effects of the injection make you gain weight and he wouldn’t want that. It can take up to two years to come out of your system fully. Research would have shown that most doctors don’t recommend it any more but I give artistic license to this fictional piece of work.

The device used by the doc to scan the baby is used to scan ovaries not the womb and a normal scan would have shown a 'little blip'... what a stupid name. As for the doctor chasing her across the car park and saying 'hey you have missed your past four appointments,' no doctor knows all their patients, when they are due to be medicated etc and although Grey is suppose to be paying the doctor a lot of money to prevent a pregnancy, I don't find it feasible. Then the stupid 'you may be pregnant come wee in this cup for me so I can confirm it’ was laughable. Anal retentive Christian would have had that next jab in his phone and the doc booked with the needle at the ready if she missed it. He would have been on the phone five seconds later asking why and arranging a house visit from the doc so she could have a needle jabbed in her arse. Instead it is blamed on the PA for changing her appointment four times. Didn't she say she went through her diary weekly? It is her vagina not her PA's. 

I was shocked Christian ran off to Mrs Robinson when Ana told him about the baby. 

I liked the way Ana flipped out when she found out, but her helping his drunk ass to bed when he returned was irritating. He has just stormed out of the house after telling her he doesn't want the baby, he doesn’t want to share her with it, she trapped him with a pregnancy and he knew he shouldn't have married her so soon etc... but she doesn't care, 'drunk Christian is cute'. Drunk Christian is a dick, a massive, massive dick!

I nodded in approval more than her inner goddess or subconscious when she slept in the other room. I still don't get why she didn't leave him the pic of Blip saying 'thanks for walking out on me Daddy and making Mummy cry'.... two can play mind fuck Christian. Or even go to a hotel or her mates apartment, what are friends for if it’s not turning up half hysterical after a break up and insisting you get drunk and slag off your now 'ex'.

I finally get to the end where it just skips two years ahead and she is preggers with another ginger baby. It flits and floats about between timelines making me wonder what the point is in all this and where is the birth... surely readers want to be there for the birth. This is as bad as the wedding!  For characters who supposedly love to read the classics their wedding vows were awful. The book skipped the wedding up until she was remembering ‘you may kiss the bride’... another chaste kiss... Yup we 'the reader' weren't invited! How dare they keep it private!!!

As readers we have been there for their entire relationship but not the wedding, the deflowering, the conception of the child, but not the birth... I feel used! I feel like one of those people who only finds out on facebook that their friend had a party and they weren’t invite. The bastards!

Let alone had a baby! Get that vagina out now and scream, I want to picture Christian Grey shitting himself as the baby claims what 'was' his and tears its way out making a sound like 'mine'. With a look that say's 'that's right, these boobies are the mine now, I'll never let her put me down long enough for you to get some action... Back off Daddy-o there's a new Grey in town.' 

Sometime later after more weird bits

We get to skim over the birth which was a C-section. Now this is sometime after the ‘kinkmiester’ has been showing her how to get freaky and she's even been flogged when preggers. 

I’d say she has defo had her bum plundered and I would bet money on her developing a love of fisting. 

So with all that training, she should have a chuff like a wizards sleeve but she can't get the baby out... no that would be too easy. Cue the drama birth! Yes classic pregnancy fodder for female readers. My readers love a good birthing drama.

Skip to some more weird shit with a young Christian as a four year old. I thought 'why is this at the end?' Why wasn't this integrated in the storyline? 

Then onto the best bit... Christian's Point of pervy view when meeting Ana

The supposedly clumsy Ana, who got over her clumsiness pretty quick, she lost that character trait along with her virginity. I liked his POV but it still reminded me of 'Midnight Sun' where Stephanie Meyer, Twilight author, writes from Edwards perspective. I was thankful he didn't have an 'inner god' and found his second guessing his fascination with her endearing, but his stalking her ... FREAKY! 

So the big question. Did I like it? 

Hmm yeah, but not as much as I thought I would. I could read it again and skip the bits that annoyed me as I know I am not missing any major plot lines. Simple story and taken far too seriously. I am only doing this review as I was asked, otherwise I would have read it, growled at the shit bits and moved on to the next scene. I am not going to burn it, I don't hate it, and I can't wait for the film as it will get rid of some of the editing and embellish on scenes and back story.

If there was more would I read it.... 

Yeah, why not. It is nothing too serious, it is fiction, made up for fun and has naughty bits in. I just wish we could have an exorcism on the Inner Goddess, less Synonyms and less 'oh, Ana', 'Oh, Christian'.... and some real BDSM. None of this threatening shit... get all his old stuff back and use it. It's been one long tease Erika James! 

One of the best things I found to do with this series in this.... a Fifty Shades Generator which can help you write smut! Have fun as it made me giggle for a bit.

http://www.fiftyshadesgenerator.com/

Play list (Feel free to add your own)

Destiny’s child – Independent Woman and loads of others

Beyonce – Girls Rule the world and loads of others

Kelly Clarkson – Beautiful Disaster

Christina Aguelira - You lost me and load of others

Florence and the Machine - Shake it off

DJ Kool – Let me clear my throat

Lily Allen – Fuck you and loads of others

Amy Winehouse - Me and Mr Jones and loads of others

Rhianna - S&M along with various others

Jason Mraz – I’m Yours

Bruno Marz - It will rain

Taylor Swift – (break up scene) We are never ever getting back together

Respect – Aretha

Daniel Beddingfield – If you’re not the one. 

Kelly Clarkson – Because of you

Lemonheads - Mrs Robinson

Kelly Clarkson – Mr Know it all

Rhianna and Ne-yo –I hate that I love you

Pink – Just like a pill

Closer – Nine Inch nails

Madonna - Erotica

KiKi Di – All my life

Gloria Gaynor -I will survive

Crossroads – Tracy Chapman

Dolly Parton – 9-5

Christina Perrie - Jar of hearts

Alica Keys - A womans worth 

Alannis Morrestte - You outha know

Shania Twain – Man I feel like a woman

Sia- sleep (When she wishes he would stay with her)

There are loads so feel free to add your own in the comments. 

Remember this is only an opinion and as a writer I am well aware that people can pick your work to pieces so as I said at the beginning, I enjoyed it, I appreciate the effort it took to write the story and can see what appeals... I just wish it was edited better. 

For the record I love Matt Bomer for Grey and made this ages ago for a giggle and everyone including Erika found it amusing. Matt Bomer is so fricking hot without even trying. 

For your viewing pleasure I have added some other men in grey suits... no real reason just perving. Fifty Shades of Waaahhhaaaayyyy!